Words. Words are all people know of me. It is all anyone can define of another. My words have been dark, and for that I apologize. I’m not known as a man of action. I haven’t done really anything. I’m not even that well a writer because I don’t read much of others work. Words are a lonely expression of your mind, or it feels that way for me. When I’m feeling morose, I think of the weather tomorrow and how sunny it will be in the future. I don’t look at forecasts because I need this surprise. I don’t want to know what tomorrow brings. I lack excitement and why would anyone want to take that away from someone else? I don’t care if it rains or shines, I will do whatever I want when tomorrow births. I will walk around Lake Busbee in pouring rain if that is what I need to make me feel something genuine. It’s hard to distinguish rain from tears. The sky water flows right through me to ground me in reality.

I realize the pitfalls of living without a plan. Accepting responsibility for oneself is paramount for a fruitful lifestyle. I’m not at all confused about who and where I am. I just have to learn how to ignore myself when confronted with evidence of possible risk. I feel I’ve lost more from avoidance than I could ever be harmed from engagement. And now I see the reflection of someone I thought never could have existed. I have certainly been surprised by this weather.

At some point, I will radically alter my behavior. I will be in more direct control of assets and what I allow to become my tomorrow. When I begin taking an interest in forecasts, that will be the beginning of a radical change. Weather is ultimately trivial, and for me to be so calculating and informed, means I will be taking an interest in designing an outcome. Currently, I remain illiterate to forecasts. Crystal balls are for planners, and I’m going to ride out this excitement until I’m challenged beyond my capacity to escape it.

I may have intentionally induced a fevered mind tonight by imbibing 350 ml of wine. It serves as a method to force a state of mind to expel demons. These insecurities have been trolling in my wake since I’ve been in this vessel. If I don’t publish the mind I won’t work out the problem. I must become the destructor of my inhibition. Fear is my most common emotion to avoid. The courageous are well acquainted with fear and have success with enduring its assault. Fear isn’t a new town. Fear is more like a new dentist. You don’t know how much of a sadist a new dentist will turn out to be. At one point while I’m being prodded I look directly into their eyes and think, am I going to have to endure this one’s barbarity?

[image of myself is missing for unknown reasons]

There is a deep sadness with how I perceive myself. I once thought so highly of myself. I was secretly arrogant; a silent egotist. I played a modest air to me and was confident in my ability. In recent years I’ve caught myself practicing true arrogance, stepping beyond my once well-defined boundary of confidence and into that place of egotistical desperation. I had to prove to others something; anything. Now I’m just a broken man because I’ve allowed myself to be compromised by what I think is distasteful. I blame myself. I am the cause of my sum. It will ever only be upon my shoulders to increase my value. To claim otherwise would be irresponsible. Look at who I’ve become from where I’ve been. A photo can capture a lot about your childhood, but it will never tell your future. To compare yourself to an old photo is fatuous. You will learn only regret of what could have been. And regret is only useful for the purpose of admonishing us of past faults. Do not carry regret toward new goals.

-Jeremy Edward Dion

Personal Raw Analysis 2014-05-17

JeremyExpectations can treat us unfairly. Sometimes you wake up to realize you’re much older than yesterday and not who you thought you’d be. This can be a dangerous revelation if you don’t come to terms with it and manage regret. This is nothing new, it’s just another personal struggle. I’m certain my mistake was to have expectations of my behavior in adulthood. For reasons I do not know I always thought I would be the person I envisioned at this age while I was young. I am none of these things. Here I am another person coming to grips with mediocrity. I suppose I have learned humility; it took me thirty-five years. That is probably average timing.

I missed a high school reunion I was looking forward to. It was organized by a specific teacher and I guess I liked that teacher so I always remembered the plan. I kept track of the invitation for fourteen years and then misplaced it the year before I knew it was happening. I think it was sometime in April but I can’t be sure. Perhaps I wasn’t happy with who I was so that part of me lost the invitation. I knew the location and probably could have found someone that knew the date but I didn’t pursue it. So that was a fifteen year plan I trashed and I feel shitty about it.

I’m beginning to feel pressure of a sort. And some emotions are surfacing and causing a mild distress. I think about women constantly. I didn’t always do this. I’m guessing it’s a natural psycho-physiological change but it’s distracting. Women are noticing me more. Even with my many appearance flaws I’m self-conscience of, I must have an advantage of character or presence. Or maybe I’m delusional.

I am supposed to be heading out to Colorado near the end of this month. There is nothing quite like splitting up the year with a major regional relocation to erase any momentum you may have acquired. I tell you, it’s unhealthy. I can’t find a niche. Wherever I go, there I am but I am still out of place. This makes me very unhappy and shits on any chance for potential relationships. There’s no one to blame but myself.

There is a DEFCON CTF event happening this weekend. I considered heading out to the 2600 hackerspace and participating but I don’t feel like going out or even being social. I got to get some cash and get my teeth fixed, at least to the point where it doesn’t devalue my smile. Wow that sounds vain; probably because I’ve always been vain. Pain does funny things to people, it can change you at your core. For better or worse.

I’ve altered my diet recently. I’m avoiding processed foods and eating more alkaline promoting foods. I found a tiny black dot in the center of my right palm and read some dumb shit on the internet about skin cancer. It’s likely not even a mole but I used that lame excuse to change my diet for the better. At least I found out I like asparagus and spinach is awesome too. I also learned that while lemons are obviously acidic, they are excellent at promoting body alkalinity. Apparently, cancer is fucked when your body is alkaline. I’ve also dropped the caffeine and drastically reduced my refined sugars intake. This change might explain my demeanor as of recent.

-Jeremy Edward Dion