Expectations can treat us unfairly. Sometimes you wake up to realize you’re much older than yesterday and not who you thought you’d be. This can be a dangerous revelation if you don’t come to terms with it and manage regret. This is nothing new, it’s just another personal struggle. I’m certain my mistake was to have expectations of my behavior in adulthood. For reasons I do not know I always thought I would be the person I envisioned at this age while I was young. I am none of these things. Here I am another person coming to grips with mediocrity. I suppose I have learned humility; it took me thirty-five years. That is probably average timing.
I missed a high school reunion I was looking forward to. It was organized by a specific teacher and I guess I liked that teacher so I always remembered the plan. I kept track of the invitation for fourteen years and then misplaced it the year before I knew it was happening. I think it was sometime in April but I can’t be sure. Perhaps I wasn’t happy with who I was so that part of me lost the invitation. I knew the location and probably could have found someone that knew the date but I didn’t pursue it. So that was a fifteen year plan I trashed and I feel shitty about it.
I’m beginning to feel pressure of a sort. And some emotions are surfacing and causing a mild distress. I think about women constantly. I didn’t always do this. I’m guessing it’s a natural psycho-physiological change but it’s distracting. Women are noticing me more. Even with my many appearance flaws I’m self-conscience of, I must have an advantage of character or presence. Or maybe I’m delusional.
I am supposed to be heading out to Colorado near the end of this month. There is nothing quite like splitting up the year with a major regional relocation to erase any momentum you may have acquired. I tell you, it’s unhealthy. I can’t find a niche. Wherever I go, there I am but I am still out of place. This makes me very unhappy and shits on any chance for potential relationships. There’s no one to blame but myself.
There is a DEFCON CTF event happening this weekend. I considered heading out to the 2600 hackerspace and participating but I don’t feel like going out or even being social. I got to get some cash and get my teeth fixed, at least to the point where it doesn’t devalue my smile. Wow that sounds vain; probably because I’ve always been vain. Pain does funny things to people, it can change you at your core. For better or worse.
I’ve altered my diet recently. I’m avoiding processed foods and eating more alkaline promoting foods. I found a tiny black dot in the center of my right palm and read some dumb shit on the internet about skin cancer. It’s likely not even a mole but I used that lame excuse to change my diet for the better. At least I found out I like asparagus and spinach is awesome too. I also learned that while lemons are obviously acidic, they are excellent at promoting body alkalinity. Apparently, cancer is fucked when your body is alkaline. I’ve also dropped the caffeine and drastically reduced my refined sugars intake. This change might explain my demeanor as of recent.
-Jeremy Edward Dion